Merry Christmas!

A blessed Christmas to all- I hope that everyone had a great day and that the days to come are wonderful, as well.

Wait, watch, and pray

Well, I'm finally 37 wks along, the fun part...you know, the part where you wake up in the middle of the night having contractions only to have them stop 3 hrs later? Or maybe that's just me, but regardless, it's annoying. I thought that by now I would have this pregnancy/labor thing figured out, but the reminder from well meaning friends and family of "every pregnancy is different" definitely holds true.

Just one more reminder that the womb is just as much God's territory concerning conception as it is concerning labor and birth. All one can do is pray, wait, watch, and (laugh) try to prepare. Bring it on :)

Which reminds me, very appropriate for this beloved season of Advent is it not? Just as we experience the pains of labor, so we continue to experience the pains of life as we await the return of Christ in this sin sick world. We know not when He will return so we wait, watch, and pray, trusting in God's mercy and perfect timing. Come soon Lord Jesus!

Happy New Year!!!!

Oh Come, Oh Come, Emanuel,

And ransom captive Israel,

That mourns in lonely exile here

Until the Son of God appear.

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emanuel Shall Come to You, Oh Israel!

Food rant

When I became engaged to my husband my then future mother-in-law gave me a card that said, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach, this is esp true with your man!"

She could not have been more correct.

My men love to eat. And though my husband can certainly put away his fair share, my boys continue to astound me with their carnage capabilities as of late.

And this leaves me in quite a bind. Living in a small middle-of-nowhere town, ok, a really small middle-of-nowhere town, groceries are unbelievably expensive...seriously, this makes Chicago groceries look like a serious bargain. So I'm searching for ways to feed my toddler men that will both please their palate and be simple all at once.

wow...I know we're on a budget, but, where's the FOOD?!

My sister feeds her huge brood "kid food". She became tired of throwing away food when her kids would not eat the "real meals" she made and decided to stop fighting it and give them menus such as frozen pizzas, chicken nuggets, pancakes, sandwiches, etc etc. She always tries to serve it with something like apple slices or frozen blueberries to help balance it out. Then she and her husband enjoy "adult food" later.

I used to turn my nose up at her parenting choice with food, but, honestly, I wish I could do that and just give up on my "healthy, simple natural ingredients" lifestyle because I too am growing tired of scooping left overs into the trash. And honestly, I can't blame my sons...they eat WAY better than I did at their age and the stuff they do turn their noses up at, I would have too. I have come a LONG way since childhood when I would never touch such things as wheat bread, vegetables, casseroles of any kind, beans, etc etc.

I enjoyed a delectable childhood diet of mac n' cheese, frozen pizza, chicken nuggets, white bread sandwiches,Eggo Waffles, Cinnamon Toast Crunch... and of course tolerable meals like spagetti and meatballs, tacos, Chicken and mashed potatoes, etc Of course we had small servings of veggies in the evening and apples with our lunches, but our parents had the "kids will be kids" attitude as well.

And you know what? I grew up skinny, healthy, and smart. I NEVER had anything more serious than the flu (seriously, not even strep!) and even the flu stopped after 6th grade. It's so frustrating to be fed laws in this food-obsessed country on how important a perfect diet is only to have your kids refuse to eat it and know that you yourself grew up eating plenty of preservatives, food coloring, and sugar without consequence... Oh man, I so digress.



Ok, but the point is, though I would love to throw this harder-more-brain-power-required lifestyle of actually cooking from simple ingredients MYSELF to the wind, I can't because we can't afford such luxuries as chicken nuggets, frozen pizzas, etc etc. So PLEASE MAMAS, HELP!!!

What are your kids' favorite meals? I'm talking: breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks. How do you meal plan, how do you budget, etc. I need serious help here if we are going to be able to feed our growing brood without me having to return to work! (ok, that last statement was a slight exaggeration, but really, I am sick and tired of working so hard on a meal only to fight my 3 yr old all the way through it!)



ok, ranting complete, thanks, I feel alot better :D

An email

Occasionally I receive emails regarding posts I have written or regarding comments left (or my responses to) on said posts. I love these emails because they always provoke much thought. I am humbled that anyone would not only take the time to read my ramblings, but then to take the time to respond to me when they are concerned I may have erred. How else are we to grow if not challenged by fellow Christians? I am forever indebted to those who have helped me.

And now I must share an email I received regarding the previous post and a comment that followed. I have spoken with the author of the email and received permission to post this, but of course all personal information has been removed. I will respond to this email in the comment section but am posting it because I was blown away by the depth of her thoughts and was caught off guard that such a short comment and response on my part could pave the way for a very deep (too deep I fear for my brain to wrap around-thus why I leave it for greater theological minds to address) theological issue. And now, her email:

"Your post was so vulnerable and communicated so well the inner struggle we women have and even, in some ways, men. The description of your state of mind when sitting in bed churning over the choice to obey was very accurate to what my husband and I have discussed.

So, my question is regarding your reply to your second commenter.

I didn't understand your reply to her. I took it to mean that your husband having an elevated status in your marital relationship is a word of gospel to you.
Is that what you meant?

I suppose I should give you the background to my question so you know where it's coming from.

I have been trained by my husband to understand the marital roles as Law. They are based in God's design of good for man; the husband holding the authority and with it the appropriate exercise of power. This is built into the fabric of marriage, so that obedience is mandated by the Law. The Gospel, being a distinct truth about a historical event - the death and resurrection of Christ for the salvation of man - enables me to attempt obedience. But obedience in and of itself is not "gospel" and neither is my husband's power in our marriage. It is good Law (is there any other kind?) that, because of my fallen state, often feels like a burden. As I am sanctified, it feels more and more (on my good days) like that blessedly light and easy yoke that keeps me safe and true.

So...I think of obedience and my husband's "elevated status" (I did not find this description of yours problematic at all) as Law which is like this: Psalm 119:97,103,10597

Oh, how I love your law!
I meditate on it all day long.

103 How sweet are your words to my taste,sweeter than honey to my mouth!

105 Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.

and for me, to call it gospel, would be a misnomer. It would try to take away something from the Law, which is indeed, good.

I'm sure this email seems muddled. And I am surely not trying to teach you. It just struck me when I read the second reply and then yours that perhaps we think about headship (and the Law-Gospel distinction) somewhat differently? I have been very on guard against gospel-reductionism due to my exodus from the ELCA, so my antenna went up a little bit.

I hope I can come to understand what you meant more clearly."

This week was a very hard week in our household. I won't get into the gritty details, but my husband had to make a choice for our family that was a very difficult choice to make. It was especially hard because it brought the most relief for him and the most pain for me. And yet, even though it brought emotional pain, the choice he made was out of love and protection for our entire family.

I went through a range of emotions and have realized this was one of those relationship defining moments. Had I not been a Christian with the beliefs I hold about marriage I can see how easy it would have been to undo what he did and I can see how one such act, though it may not be over something huge, could be a thorny presence that would pry deeper and deeper into the threads of our marriage. That one act of mistrust on his judgement that he made with love and concern would belittle him and strip him of his God-given right, that he wears with great concern, compassion, and love and it would elevate me wrongfully to a place I do not belong.

Last night as he slept next to me I wrestled against my sinful nature. I was angry, hurt, and feeling rebellious against his decision. I thought of all the ways I could undo it and how "justified" I would be. I knew his decision was in love and for the best, but I let my own emotions get in the way and sat immaturely coddling them. I could feel I was entering a very very bad place, stepping outside of God's protection and elevating something that had no business being elevated to such a place of importance as to rebel against my husband. Finally I turned away from the snake in my ear whispering his lies of self justification and collapsed exhausted. I still felt empty, scared, sad, and lonely but I prayed to God that I knew my husband had followed His will and that it's not my job to understand it but to trust it, to let it go and rest in God's provision.

Normally when I fall asleep in such a state of angst I awaken grouchy as can be. Well, the funniest thing happened. All night I had the most delightful dreams of all my favorite things. Water parks, ice cream, silly childhood things that make you forget life and for a moment, relish simplicity and abandonment to joy. When I awoke my fear, worries, pain, and mistrust were gone and I knew beyond all doubt that my husband is the very presence of Christ in my life. In him I see Jesus face to face. I am in awe that God could love women so much as to give them a representative of His very self to follow and obey.

What's one more?

I know many "moms of many" and if there's one thing I've heard them all say it's, "By the third one the only change is an extra mouth to feed." There are many variations of this same statement of course, but the consensus seems to be that after awhile the overwhelming feelings that come with a new baby fade away and it becomes nearly routine.

But I can't help but wonder if I will ever feel this way because nothing....NOTHING could have prepared me for how I would feel having my first child.

I know there are many things that contributed to my strong emotional response. For one, I came from a family that was "broken", "blended", whatever you want to call it, and also experienced the death of one parent and one step parent. These experiences tend to make someone preparing to start a family even more bound and determined to never allow their own children to experience the pain that brokenness can bring. Overcompensation.

I birthed my first at home and was never separated even for a moment from my baby. I'm not really sure what lead my husband and I to this decision. We both grew up in very mainstream "normal" families that would be (and indeed were) appalled at such a thought of birthing away from a hospital. But for us, we knew that our child's birth set the stage for the rest of our lives and the rest of our parenting.

There is a zone that a laboring woman enters the moment her baby emerges, a hormonal surge that causes the mom to zero in on her baby and makes the rest of the world fade away. This "trance" is very easy to disturb and once the mom is brought out of it, it's over. In many births the mother is "shaken out" almost instantly as the baby is either not given to the mother right away or is taken away shortly thereafter. The baby comes and rather than the rest of the room disappearing to let the mother be, people talk, distract, and neglect what should be happening. The sacredness of the moment is broken and instead people act like it's a circus. This of course does not change the love a mother has for her new baby, or the ability to bond later, (as it would if you tried to remove a puppy from it's mother immediately after birth or many other animals) but I do believe that the more intimate a birth is, the easier it is for a mother to become possessive over the care of her baby.

Hockey boy was born early in the morning and after we finally cut the cord I took him to my bed and we fell to sleep pressed against each other. There were no bright lights, no strangers coming in and out to distract me, and nothing but the intimacy of MY room and MY house. My two birth attendants hardly said a word after he came, but quietly examined him as he was in my arms and then let us be. He never left my arms except as my husband dressed him for me. Both of us were deeply affected by the way we brought out son into the world, so much so that my husband suddenly became a man I had not seen before. He was like a bear when it came to protecting the privacy of the baby and I and when his parents came to visit later in the day, he ushered people in and out with firm tones on how long they could hold the baby, etc. His mother later commented that she had never seen her son behave that way and it nearly scared her. :)

And it was this birth that set the stage. I hardly left my home for the first 2 months and my baby did not leave my chest. And I, finding myself in such a position of being responsible for this new little soul, cried my eyes out for weeks at my inadequacy for such a task.

The birth of my second son was much different. For one, we had to birth outside of our home (though not in a hospital) due to the laws of the area. For another, he got stuck and the birth took great effort on my part and some serious smarts on the part of my midwife. And finally, after he was out, I had a 2 yr old that came into the room to share my new baby with me. There were several birth attendants for this birth and much more chatter in the room. I was in unfamiliar settings and had to spend our first night there. Though I love my second son equally and unconditionally as to my first, our bonding those first few weeks was hard.

And now, as I consider the emotion, the changes, and the sheer importance of each new life and the challenges and joys that accompany it, I am left overwhelmed as I prepare for child 3. In a few weeks a whole new person, a complete stranger, will move in to our house to stay. There will be no introductions beforehand, no manual, no list of quirks, dislikes, etc...just a whole new person in all his/her glory. And we will begin our lives as a family of 5 and have to get used to a whole new way of life.

No, this will never be routine. I may learn how to burp more efficiently, swaddle tighter, and find more tricks for getting baby to sleep...but each time a new soul enters our house, it will always be nothing short of an earth-shattering miracle.